EPIC FAIL

A Post-Mortem on an Exercise in Futility

You cannot tell the world that somebody they've never heard of is important if you cannot tell them why.

That is the conclusion I arrived at over this past weekend after receiving a message from a literary agent who spent the past six weeks reviewing the material I submitted late last year in the hope of finding representation -- and ultimately an actual publisher -- for a book I have been researching and writing for very nearly six years. 

The book is (or would have been) Defying Gravity: The Parallel Universe of T. Townsend Brown, which I once whimsically described as "the biography of a man whose story cannot be told." I might have been better served if I'd recognized the truth in that whimsy sooner.

Townsend Brown discovered an anomalous electrical effect -- known now as the "Biefeld-Brown Effect " -- as a teenager in the 1920's.  The effect is regarded in some unorthodox scientific circles as an "anti-gravity" effect, though Brown himself never much cared for that terminology.  The effect was heralded at the time as the physical evidence of Albert Einstein's Unified Field Theory, the proof of a connection between electricity and gravity not unlike the symbiotic relationship between electricity and magnetism.  It has since become regarded variously as the manifestation of "zero point energy," as proof that there really is an "aether," and has been given credit for enabling every science fiction fantasy from inter-dimensional communication to time travel.  Since engaging this enterprise, I've had my own hand in extending some of those fantasies.

But the truth is, all we really know about Townsend Brown is that he spent one half of his life engaged in classified military research, and the other half of his life conducting covert intelligence operations designed in part to conceal the classified research.  That is really the entire 80 years of Townsend Brown's life boiled down into a single sentence.  Beyond that, we really dunno shit.

Nevertheless, drawing largely on information supplied by my own "covert" sources, I managed to forge my way through the "first draft" of a manuscript last March.  The intent of that first draft was to simply find some path through the mercurial material.  I was not really sure what the true essence of the story was, but I decided in the fall of 2005 that if I just started the work, the thematic heart of it would eventually materialize.

It's hard to tell sometimes when you are neck deep in wishful thinking. 

After completing a voluminous (nearly 600 page!) first draft and taking a few months to get some distance from material, last summer I compiled a detailed book proposal.  This is the reverse of the usual procedure; It is more customary to write a proposal first, secure an advance, and THEN write the book.  But because I felt I needed to write the book before I would be able to effectively convey what it is about, I put that cart in front of the horse. That might be when I started seriously "pushing" in the absence of any "pull."

Once the proposal was finished, I slowly and methodically began submitting query letters to a carefully culled list of literary agents whose past experience commended them for this particular and unusual project.  More than half the the queries generated no response at all; most of the other half replied that the material was not right for them.  Two agents requested to see the full proposal. 

The first agent who read the full proposal arrived at this conclusion:  "The proposal didn’t work for me – I had trouble following Brown’s story and couldn’t see how the book would convince a skeptical readership to take the story seriously enough to sustain [the] narrative."  That was not exactly the first time I'd gotten that sort of feedback.

But, you know, in any creative endeavor, you're not supposed to listen to the critics or take their rejections to heart.  You're just supposed to, in the words of Townsend Brown himself, "go forth." So I persisted through the fall, sending queries and receiving rejections.  Finally, in November, another agent -- we'll call him "P.R." -- wrote back that he felt the project "shows promise" and asked for the full proposal.  He also asked for a period of up to five weeks to consider the material exclusively, meaning no more queries submitted or proposals sent out.  I agreed to wait until the first full week of the New Year to hear if P.R. wanted to take the project on.

The exclusive period gave me a lot of time to think about where I am with this project -- how much time I've put into it, how I feel about the material, how I feel about its future prospects.  And, rightly or wrongly, I found myself putting a lot of stock in the response of this one agent.  Coming as all this was on the cusp of a New Year, I began to recognize in myself a high level of exhaustion from pushing on this string: if there wasn't some indication from the larger Universe that somebody besides myself and a handful of others was interested in this story, I didn't think I had the will to persist any longer.  I needed some kind of "pull" on the other side of my "push."

Last Friday, the last day of the exclusive period, the prospect of some kind of "pull" pretty much evaporated when P.R. finally wrote back.  The essence of the response is embodied in the opening paragraph:

*"The promise is there, the possibility is there, but there is no meat on the bones ... there is still no detail as to what he actually did discover."

And that, I have concluded, is the end of that.

It's funny how suddenly the truth glares out at me.  "No meat on the bones" is all he needed to say.  The simple fact is: in one, in ten, in a hundred or six hundred pages, we still don't know "what he actually did discover."  The book is, as Ralph Kramden might say, "a mere bag of shells." And, I must finally admit, a bag of empty shells at that. 

There may indeed be a pearl in there somewhere, but I must now confess that I have been unable to find it.  In lieu of that kernel of truth, I have conjured substitutes.  I built a shell around a non-existent story using a firmer narrative of related characters.  I injected my own story, using the metaphor of falling down a rabbit hole. 

But in six years, I have not found the bottom to this rabbit-hole, and I have grown endlessly weary of the falling --along with various forms of psychological abuse I've had to endure during the fall.  But I know how to stop the abuse.  I just did.

In all this time, I insisted to myself that I could fabricate some way to tell this story.  It was really all up to me, I told myself.  And If I could not tell the actual story, then I'd tell the story of trying to tell the story.  But the story of telling a story only works if the first story is actually told.  Which, in this case, it is not. 

I spoke at length last week with a mentor of sorts who has stood by my side through this whole undertaking; this was Thursday, the day before I received the letter from P.R.  In the course of describing my growing ambivalence, and my need for some form of "external validation," I came up with an interesting metaphor:  As a writer, I imagine myself to be a cannon; my secret desire is that my material will prove to be a cannon ball, which, upon launching, will land somewhere and have some kind of an impact.  I think that's all any artist asks for.

But for as long as I've been working on this story, I have avoided the realization that has now weighs heavily on me:  This story is not a cannonball. It's mush.  I've tried to wrap the mush up in a more solid shell.  But absent a clear grasp of "what he actually did discover," this agent has seen the mush for exactly what it is, and now I simply must face that reality. 

I have indulged myself for entirely too long in the belief that by the sheer force of my will, by the "scheming of my ego," or by some manner of clever verbal alchemy, I could turn this narrative mush into solid iron.  This agent has done me an enormous favor, by simply and effectively demonstrating for me the power of my own self-delusion. 

I know that there are some of you reading this who are surprised and disappointed -- if not downright outraged -- by this conclusion.  Sure, there are alternatives.  I could  persist in my persistence.  I could continue working on a revised draft.  I could edit and proofread and self-publish.  But the first draft is already "out there," circulating in unknown ways through the cyber-ether.  And the inescapable fact of the matter is that there is not any amount of re-writing that is going to reveal any more than what has already been told, what has already been launched into the firmament. 

Maybe the sadder fact here is that I have reached the limit of my own faith in the power or appeal of this material.  I know what some of you are probably thinking, that I'm copping out, giving up, throwing in the towel, pulling the plug.  And maybe you're right.  But like I said, absent some "pull" on the other side, I've pushed all I can. 

Maybe it's unreasonable to expect an agent or publisher to believe in material that I have myself lost faith in.  I can't expect somebody else to believe in material that I don't believe in myself.  The bottom line is:  I don't believe in the material because I really don't know how much of it to believe.  I've wrestled with that conundrum long enough. The passion is unrewarded, the effort is unrewarding, and there is little to add.

I put on 20 pounds sitting down every morning for 2-1/2 years with coffee and dark chocolate; that was the glue that kept my fanny in the chair long enough to cobble together nearly 600 pages of mush.  In the past few months, I've paid closer attention to my diet and shed the extra weight.  Now maybe it's likewise time to jettison the rest of the baggage -- the baggage I've been hauling around inside my head.

Best to start the new year with a clean slate.

Comments

[Mark Moody]

You-of all people- have got to be kidding!
So what some people do not recognize a diamond in the rough. Now you personally know how Mr. Brown felt all those years.
But did he give in?
I once went to 5 different car lots to buy a car. After number-4, my wife gave up.
I approached lot 5 by myself and brought a new car! For every no, you get closer to a yes. With all this technology in the world today, if you are really serious about giving in, I ask that you give me the manuscript to publish and we will split the proceeds 50/50.
Futile no.
Inspiring and determined, yes.
Mark Moody

[Paul S.]

You really think this is like buying a car??

More like building a car. With everything but a crankshaft and pistons (you know, the stuff that makes it "go."

--PS

[Mark Moody]

Yes I know this is like building a car.
Look at the history of the Tucker.
Look at the Tesla electric car.
The "go" was "gotten" from the person with the idea. You , my dear friend, as well as all of us posting on the forum, are the "go".
You've just been knocked down.
What you do next, is up to you.
Me, I would get back up.
After all. isn't that what life is all about, the journey?
MM

[sister]

Not sure if this will make you feel better or not (I certainly hope it won't make you feel worse)...But for six years, I couldn't figure out what you were talking about either...but I just figured I was missing something. I think I got jammed up with the spy stuff, UFO stuff and science that I don't understand. I'm still pretty impressed when I hit a switch and there's light.

[Elizabeth Helen Drake]

Face in the dirt huh.

I would say. Anything broken?, Are you bleeding profusely?

Some would wonder then , aside from the reasons you have stated .... why you would stop now? EHD

[skyfish]

I still believe Paul.
I believe in Dr. Brown,
and I believe in you.
You have created something
of importance and in time
the truth will be known.
skyfish

[Mikado]

Paul,

I couldn't agree with you more. In 1979, I was told "We already have a space program"...but I had discs that were flying and I had a motor that kept running to power it. They didn't even want to see it. What's left of it is in a landfill.All the money I spent back then...all you have spent on this now.

I too, at times, just want to put the covers up over my head and say "enough". Done it plenty of times, pushed that string instead of pulling, making mush cannonballs instead of steel.

I wonder now if I should stop pushing my string too? Things are just so expensive and the weariness is setting in.

Yep, couldn't agree with you more.

My best to you as always,

Mikado

PS: Just remember to not speak into the mike and don't throw the paper weight...(g)

[MARK MOODY]

I apologise Paul.
Really, I am sorry.
Now, after re-reading past and present posts on this topic, I see that your work could have been made a whole lot easier for you.
If only.
Granted, there is nothing more frustrating than trying to accomplish something by yourself.
Especially when you are aware that others have been down the path you have chosen, but yet will not or can not assist you more.
If only.
Imagine the progress that could be made.
Surely this world would be a better place?
MM

[Scot Justice]

Paul,
Sorry for the rejection. It sucks. I respect the way you are dealing with it. Thanks for the post telling us about the correspondence between you and the literary agent. I'm up to the 5th chapter in the Boy Who Invented Television. I have enjoyed reading this book and I hope you are able to find another interesting scientific subject to write about.
Take care, Scot

[Dave R.]

Paul,
I understand your feelings. However, your biography is not "mush". It is the story of your effort to uncover the truth about this guy. The fact that the leads don't point to a firm conclusion does not mean that the story is not worth printing. The niche market for Brown's biography is small (a few thousand or more maybe). Among that niche you would find people VERY interested in your work. I would hope that you get your work out there for those people (including my selfish self) in some form (e.g., self-published, e-book, Adventures Unlimited....). After all, right now there is NO biography on Brown. At least in English. In this manner, I would think removing your work completely off the web and away from any media outlet an act of suppression of this information, even if this act was unintentional. And hasn't this line of research had enough suppression?

Dave

[MagicBill]

Paul,

I realize that you are discouraged and it saddens me to see you hurting like this. But what is most disappointing is you giving up after working so hard on this endeavor.

There IS meat on these bones. Read the patents, they are real. Sure, the information has been suppressed but we know for a fact that the Ionic Breeze was a result of Thomas Townsend Brown's work. Just as "The Hunt for Red October" was also investigated by Thomas Townsend Brown. It is his work that laid the foundation for other works by other individuals.

The problem is, you have accepted an "either/or" attitude and have not practiced what we were preached to as we entered into this forum. You have done an amazing piece of research on an individual that did not seek the limelight and deliberately practiced disinformation to confuse those that were not diligent in their research.

I agree with Dave in that your research was not "mush". Not only have you attempted to identify the scientific research that Thomas Townsend Brown investigated, you also provided us a glimpse of his family life and how hard it was to have his little girl "not to know". You provided us not only a biography on a man as elusive as smoke, but you identified his closest friends and family that surrounded him.

Tom Clancy did not get published the first time around, nor did J.K. Rowling. In fact, she was about to be evicted from her flat but she didn't give up and still believed in herself and her work. As you must do as well.

So please get up, dust off the dirt, and "go forth". We feel your pain. But it is not fair to punish those that have supported you for (many) years or those newer members that haven't been around as long. There is much in the forums to consider. Some of it is wheat and some is chaff but let the winds blow and we can see what is grounded.

Please let us know if we can be of help. I am still waiting for my autographed copy...

Peace,

MagicBill

[Gregg V]

You don’t have to believe anything in order to be an investigator telling the tale of an investigation. Why do you feel that you have to believe it? Can’t that be left up to each individual reader whether or not to believe it?

We like to watch the X files and it never seems to resolve? I enjoyed reading your book in the same manner. To me it's almost better left unresolved. It leaves one expecting, and that is a neat feeling. Much better than some dry clinical biography. It’s is an investigation with unresolved, unanswered, loose ends which leaves the reader with so much to think about. It's interactive, the reader gets to speculate. I like the book just the way it is.

Besides, all of the unresolved issues in the first book guarantee the sales of the second book.

GV

[Kate O']

Thanks for pointing me to this entry; I'm behind on my feed-reading and probably would have missed this.

I'm sorry to hear about the rejection, and I'm sorry that it appears that your efforts are not going to see publication. And I think you're in the best position to know what the right decision is, whether to move forward or put the project behind you. Some of the best advice I've ever heard or read is along the lines of 'never give up, except when giving up is the right thing to do.' No one ever said wisdom had to make sense, I guess, and there are no promises that life is going to be full of easy decisions, either. I know you know that, probably better than I do, but I hope it's helpful to hear it from someone else as a kind of validation that, again, the decision is entirely yours and no one else but you is in any position to judge you or your decision.

Personally, I think you've got more big things in store for you whether you write another book or take a different path altogether.

One other thought: every time we've talked about the challenges you've had in writing this book, I've envisioned it turning into an Ouroboros-like meta-story, a la 'The Orchid Thief'/'Adaptation'. No idea if you'd be interested in that sort of angle on it, but it seems to me that the real story is the one you've just written up in this blog post - the story of trying to find the story.

Anyway, I hope your decision has brought you some peace. Good luck with the next chapter, so to speak.

[kevin bennington]

Hello, godbye,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QShSmpI0r9k
Shame they quit , wasn't it?

I have nothing to say, except if You were near me right now Paul, a little trick with a rolled up newspaper would be employed on You.
Then I,d put the kettle on, it's always teatime, there's always TIME for tea.
Kevin, feeling very sad and pissed off.

[Gregg V]

Wait till William Moore hears of this. He is going to be laughing……you criticized him. Good thing Paul LaViolette grabbed what he could of your work. How many others will now feed off of all your hard work and reap the rewards that were intended for you.

If you take this page down today, and restore everything back to normal, maybe they won’t find out………On second thought, this event could just be rolled into the story. The opening scene of the movie could start with Paul Schatzkin pacing and murmuring in a depressed funk over the wasted 5 years of his life, then flash back to when he received that first email, the movie would then continue from there, in sync with the book.

This is all about the movie right? I mean, paper books are sort of like from the dark ages, aren’t they?

The music industry just went kicking and screaming thought its recent metamorphosis, I suppose the book publishing industry is soon to follow. I don’t see many new bands these days staking it all on getting signed by a label. Some even PREFER doing it all without the aid of a label.

You were way out front with writing the book online and using a forum as assistance. You may even have been the first to ever do it that way. You are so far out front, that even if you trip and fall, if you get back up, you will still be out front.

GV

[Maryl]

I've known you for a lot of years now. I wasn't aware of the subject of this particular project (just that you were "writing"), let alone the magnitude or progress. But I definitely felt your absolute pain as I read your post, and I'm sorry that things did not turn out the way you'd hoped.

I agree with some of the comments on both sides -- what? give up? (YOU?) never. AND you know best and what's right for you, and if putting this project away is right, then do it. YOU are the only one who can make that decision.

But I also think there's a middle ground.

Yes, experience the rejection and what *feels* like failure. Be miserable for a short while. Be angry. Whatever it takes. You've already lost the weight, so you've been doing something right.

And yeah, put the project on the shelf. Get a lot of distance. Use the wisdom you've gained here, and figure out what your next project will be. Start on that project and get on with your life.

And let your jilted lover sit on the shelf. If she starts making eyes at you again, giver her a look and go with your gut. Maybe time and distance will give you some new insight as to how to deal with her differently, if at all.

[Gregg V]

Shopping it as a biography, when it is actually an action mystery thriller (based upon a true story).

Just because your prior book was a biography you are not necessarily pigeonholed as a biographer.

This book is way more enthralling than a strait academic biography.

GV

[driver49]

GV writes: "This is all about the movie right?"

Film making is the most collaborative and capital intensive art-form known to man. It's amusing to read suggestions how the movie is going to play when we can't even get a book published.

And you're right, William Moore probably is laughing his head off. Because he DID get a book published. Perhaps if I'd used more weasel words in my proposal... ??

[kevin bennington]

Paul,
Could you please pass on my warmest Yorkie regards to the lovely lady who is most central to this book.
As a pure bred Yorkie myself, I recognise those that can paint our likeness.
my father was often called a double for James Cagney, a yanky doodle dandy.
kevin

[Gregg V]

“Film making is the most collaborative and capital intensive art-form known to man.”

What does that statement have to do with anything? Having read that statement I would assume then that no movies can be made, but yet they are.

The Philadelphia Experiment was made into a movie, was that better material than your book?

I just happened to think that your story makes a better movie than it does a book.

GV

[Mark Moody]

Ah yes, the movie.
Now we talk about the movie?
Man I said that way back when :)
If this movie is ever made, please do not let it be cheap like some sci-fi flicks.
With today's special effects, it could be awesome!
The movie "The Prestige" is a good example.
Tesla coils are in the movie actually operating!
Imagine 3, 10 or even 30 foot saucers!
Imagine the Bahnson lab.
Imagine a 50 foot turnstile in a gynasium.
Oh my.
Now, once more, with feeling.....
What ABOUT the movie?
MM

[Mark Moody]

Then imagine all those harry-homeowners experimenting in their basements!
Or what about Mr. Browns expression the first time he witnesses his creation fly?
Ooh, how about the government doing their dastardly deeds in the middle of no where with Mr. Browns ideas?
The possibilities are endless.......
MM

[Mark Moody]

I got it! I got it!
How about the expression on Mrs. Browns face when she forst learned of Mr. Browns idea and experiments?
She must have thought he was a nutcase, being interested in "that stuff".
Or, picture Mr. Brown sitting down at a desk replying back to all those letters he received over the years from his many would-be followers.
One more......
What about his passion to keep trying after so many "doors" were closed in his face.
Talk about committment.
And at the end of the movie, for the naysayers and sceptics, you would see someone sitting in their house reading the "Philadelphia Experiment".
They would be laughing as they closed the book and go outside to play with the kids.
The camera would zoom in on The Ionic breeze machine sitting in the corner of the room as blew the book off the table!
Yea, that's the ticket!
MM

[Fred Mars]

It took me a while to get over the shock, and I'm still not fully recovered. Disappointment is not adequate to express how I feel.

I know that rejection is not an easy pill to swallow. That said, I also feel that ending this endeavor because of rejection is a disservice to yourself Paul, as well as many others that have supported you and assisted you over these years.

Take a few weeks off and relax. Let the emotions settle and then look at this endeavor again. Perhaps you will see things differently.

[MARK MOODY]

Incredible, your "choice" of things/words.
My brother used to call me a lulu all the time.
Time, now there's a word.
Nice offering placed on my plate.
Being an avid meat eater, I recognize "bite".
Anywho.
Please put back up the forum?
If for nothing else, just to see where all this contact may go.
Who knows, maybe another story idea?
I for one am always enlightened by what I continue to learn,Perfessor.
MM